I have only just solidified in my head something about myself that has bothered me for some time. It's always been true,but it took until somewhere in the middle- or high-school period for it to actually start bothering be, because before that, I really didn't care enough about socializing to be bothered if it wasn't happening right.
But, eventually, I started being bothered, and the main part was that I really hadn't any idea what was wrong
with me, and I couldn't fix it. I'm sure people who have met me since my junior year in high school would say that really, it can't be that bad,but that's because it's not that hard to fake it well enough to pass. People are too busy paying attention to other things (frequently, making sure they
don't fuck up conversation) to notice if you're doing the same-only-more.
There was a post I found through metaquotes
recently that included bits about, among other things, how people who taught themselves social skills later in life because they didn't naturally pick them up like most people do when they're young are generally better at reading people and noticing little things that started my brain poking about itself, and then today ishyface
had a (flocked) post about that voice that turns something completely mundane into an epic problem, and while the specific voice there isn't the same one I have, the idea is the same.
And before I (finally) get into exactly what the problem is, I am going to point out that there were some RL happenings with a couple of you on this list that are what finally allowed be to get the shape of things. Without those events happening just before Ish's post, I'd have read and had yet another "no, that's not quite it" moments.
See, I absolutely fail at dealing with the Unknown. I mean, there are things that I'm cool with not knowing, and of course things I'd like never to know, but then I absolutely fail at asking anything of strangers, and I never quite knew why, because I'll tell
anything to someone I've just met, but if I need to, say, telephone someone about student loans, things get really weird. And I use that example specifically, because I know
it's their job to answer things for me and be helpful. Doesn't matter. I'm asking someone I don't know to provide money and on top of that, I don't know how the process works.
That's a big one, not knowing what to do. I think that's the unknown I loathe the most. If there's something I need
to do, but I don't know specifically how to do it? I freeze up, and will let things stagnate rather than get shit done that I need
to do. One of the few nice things about having had to come back to Sandusky is that I do happen to fear my mother even more than unknown processes. Which... also not healthy, but that's one of those things I'm quite happy not knowing the whys and wherefores of.
It's funny, though, that I work so well in service based jobs, where so much hinges on customers who are, as a lot, largely unpredictable. Sure, you can classify them into certain groups, but there's really no way to tell which group a customer will be in until you interact with them, and man
is the food service industry especially full of questions. But. There's a process, and no matter what customer type you get, there are patterns. More importantly, if the process breaks down, these aren't people whose opinion of me matters
. It's business, as much as good customer service relies on pretending otherwise, not social time. I don't know why I'm able to properly approach this one aspect of the world and not any others, but whatever.
But I'm not entirely immune at work. Because when the unknown process is something completely social like, say, "what do I do when the cute guy at work is totally gay for me back but also not saying anything?"... ASFG;LJKFHGQA;OIG.
Because I know that things aren't at a point where he should
have said anything, necessarily. He saw me when I interviewed (twice) last week, and my first two shifts were spent getting corporate training-video'd to death and back, and it was really only my (cut way short because things were way dead from snow and my trainer got moved to kitchen) shift today where we were even in the same place enough to talk, and naturally it takes more time than that to make sure there's personality to back up the attractive. Which is exactly what I'm doing myself
, which just makes my hyperaware of how stupid it is for me to even worry about this, but my brain doesn't care. IT'S A SOCIAL UNKNOWN, it says, THEREFORE I FLAIL. THIS IS THE WAY OF THE WORLD.
And I can't really argue as much as I'd like, because it has
been. For twenty-two years. I can't just turn that off.