I have met the enemy, and it is this film.

[revieloutionne]

So, when I'm not mainlining Japanese kids' superhero shows, my media intake tends to be queer cinema, because it tends either to be awesome, or to be awesomely bad. (And even when it's just mediocre, the pandering tends to be towards those who like their eye candy male, so there's at least that.)

Those of you who follow my twitter feed will already know, though, that I just encountered the most miserable piece of shit to ever call itself a movie. I have suffered the Star Wars Holiday Special. This was ORDERS OF MAGNITUDE WORSE.

I really don't even know if I can put the horror into words. Although, those of you who follow my twitter feed saw my attempts throughout. While there are some understandable descriptions of some of the ways in which this film is awful there, it's by NO means comprehensive. Merely scratching the surface.

The worst part is... you know what, scratch what I was going to say. The worst part is ALL OF IT. (Except the one actor, who was at some point in post-production, someone tried to make changes to make us think the movie was about him. It only made things worse, because then the movie WASN'T, but they'd gone out of their way to make sure we were wondering "what if?")

I don't even know, y'all.

(Someday, I hope to inflict this on a mass of people so that I'm not the only person I know who has suffered it. So no, you're not getting the name of it. Nyah.)

Comments

[sour-idealist.livejournal.com]

What on earth could possibly be so bad about this film?

[revieloutionne.livejournal.com]

Okay, you know how every now and then, you will run into a person who says "My/Our/Your life/lives should be a movie!" and doesn't realize how stupid that statement is?

One of those movies got made. Only it's about a sad sack, straight-chasing, self-loathing, unfunny aging queen who surrounds himself with equally awful people who all have the same inflated ego he does.

Also, none of them seem to have passed 1996, even though the film was made in 2006.

The movie is ridiculously self-indulgent and completely thematically empty. There is no plot, merely a series of events that frequently have nothing to do with what JUST HAPPENED.

A "frame the main character" plot is introduced TEN MINUTES FROM THE END OF THE MOVIE.

Everyone in the thing has this stupid indescribable affectation about them that I initially thought was maybe a sign of some decent acting, but I'm now 99% sure is just something annoying about the actors themselves.

There is absolutely no sense of cinematography. The first few minutes scream documentary from the way they're filmed, but fiction from what's happening.

Every now and then, the movie stumbles onto a genuinely amusing moment, and gets your hopes up that maybe it just takes a while to find its footing (that's happened to other awful movies I've watched) and then it just goes right back to being shit and it's more disappointing than if it had just been total shit the entire way through.

At one point, the movie tells you outright that if you didn't laugh at what just happened, you have no sense of humor. It's wrong.

Every time a new character appeared onscreen, my reaction was "how the hell does whoever wrote this have this many friends?" I don't think that was the intent.

Did I mention the godawful levels of internal homophobia permeating the script?

There is a single redeeming factor, in the one skilled actor I mentioned in the post, but the very beginning of the movie tries to sell it as his story (possibly because SOMEONE involved realized his worth later), which just makes you wish that were true all the harder. Plus, he narrates the first few minutes, then says "but lets follow THIS guy" and NEVER NARRATES AGAIN. He disappears for a large stretch of the film, then shows up again about 40 minutes in just to LEAVE TOWN.

Everything about the production values screams public access cable.

According to IMDB, the DVD commentary claims the director is better than John Cameron Mitchell. BEST JOKE OF THE MOVIE.

I have seen a fair bit of bad cinema. This film was an experience completely unlike anything I have ever watched, in a wholly awful way. I wanted to stop watching SO HARD, but that would mean admitting defeat, and fuck that.

Then the last ten or so minutes happened, and it just. It somehow found a way to GET WORSE for the ending. IDEK.

THIS FILM IS WHAT THEY SHOW DIRECTORS IN HELL.

[sour-idealist.livejournal.com]

Well, wow, I think I will certainly take your word for it. It doesn't sound like it's any worse than mind-numbingly irritating and boring (which, admittedly, is bad) but I am perfectly willing to believe it's mind-scarring.

[itsbuttery.livejournal.com]

I never actually saw the tweet where you said what you were watching, so I was just paying attention to your reactions in an utter fascination, all like "...jesus, what could be that bad?"

Now it makes sense.

[revieloutionne.livejournal.com]

Wait, you've SEEN this? Did you make it through to the end? Because the last ten or so minutes bring in a whole new brand of WTFery.

[itsbuttery.livejournal.com]

No, I've not seen it, but I've seen hundreds of reactions to it before yours. I have to say though, yours cements for life my intention to NEVER watch it.

[revieloutionne.livejournal.com]

...hundreds? I HAD SEEN NONE. I went in unarmed.

[itsbuttery.livejournal.com]

!!! How are you even still ALIVE?

[revieloutionne.livejournal.com]

I'm just that good?